Self-reg : how to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle & successfully engage with life

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There is no such thing as a bad kid. According to world-renowned psychologist Stuart Shanker, even the most frustrating, annoying or troubling behaviour has an explanation. That means there is a way to make things better. Shanker's research has shown that for every child and every adult the ability to thrive--to complete tasks, form friendships, learn, and even love--depends on being able to self-regulate. In the past twenty years neurobiological research has been showing us a lot about brain states, and what is clear now is that the ability to self-regulate in response to stress is central. There are dramatic consequences to looking at a child's behaviour through the lens of self-regulation. Above all it discards the knee-jerk reaction that a child who is having trouble paying attention, controlling his impulses, or who gives up easily on a difficult task, is somehow weak or lacks self-discipline or is not making a great enough effort to apply himself. According to Shanker, the ability to deal effectively with stress is limited, though. Like a tank of gas, our energy reserves eventually dwindle, leaving a kid--or an adult--simply unable to control his or her impulses. That is, misbehaving kids aren't choosing to be difficult. They literally can't help themselves. And what draws down our reserves? Excessive stress. Stress of all kinds, from social anxiety to an uncomfortable chair. Reduce the stress loads, and problems quickly dissipate.

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There is no such thing as a bad kid. According to world-renowned psychologist Stuart Shanker, even the most frustrating, annoying or troubling behaviour has an explanation. That means there is a way to make things better. Shanker's research has shown that for every child and every adult the ability to thrive--to complete tasks, form friendships, learn, and even love--depends on being able to self-regulate. In the past twenty years neurobiological research has been showing us a lot about brain states, and what is clear now is that the ability to self-regulate in response to stress is central. There are dramatic consequences to looking at a child's behaviour through the lens of self-regulation. Above all it discards the knee-jerk reaction that a child who is having trouble paying attention, controlling his impulses, or who gives up easily on a difficult task, is somehow weak or lacks self-discipline or is not making a great enough effort to apply himself.  According to Shanker, the ability to deal effectively with stress is limited, though. Like a tank of gas, our energy reserves eventually dwindle, leaving a kid--or an adult--simply unable to control his or her impulses. That is, misbehaving kids aren't choosing to be difficult. They literally can't help themselves. And what draws down our reserves? Excessive stress. Stress of all kinds, from social anxiety to an uncomfortable chair. Reduce the stress loads, and problems quickly dissipate.

Content Note

Part 1. Self-Reg: essential for living and learning -- 1. The power of self-reg -- 2. More than marshmallows: self-regulation versus self-control -- 3. No small matter: arousal regulation and the interbrain -- 4. Under the Boab tree: the five-domain model for self-reg -- Part 2. The five domains -- 5. Eat, play, sleep: the biological domain -- 6. Monster in the attic: the emotion domain -- 7. Calm-alert, and learning: the cognitive domain -- 8. A new lens for looking at social development: the social domain -- 9. The better self: self-empathy and the prosocial domain -- Part 3. Teens, temptations, and parents under pressure -- 10. The power and perils of adolescence -- 11. More: desire, dopamine, and the surprising biology of boredom (the Reward system) -- 12. Parents under pressure: where do we go from here?.