Language atrocities infest modern-day English. To survey the damage, the author has subjected himself to a barrage of mindless jargon, euphemisms, and weasel words, cataloging for inspection and ridicule monstrosities such as "impactful" and "smartize," empty rhetoric such as "quality of life" and "revolutionary in nature," and broad swaths of modern-day grammatical humbug such as Artificial Vocabulary, Parasitic Intensifiers, Useless Cabooses, and Hyphen-Monsters.