For any task you might want to do, there's a right way, a wrong way, and a way so monumentally complex, excessive, and inadvisable that no one would ever try it. This book is a guide to the third kind of approach. It's full of highly impractical advice for everything from landing a plane to digging a hole.

Introduction -- How to jump really high -- How to throw a pool party -- How to dig a hole -- How to play the piano -- How to listen to music -- How to make an emergency landing -- How to cross a river -- How to move -- How to keep your house from moving -- How to chase a tornado -- How to build a lava moat -- How to throw things -- How to play football -- How to predict the weather -- How to go places -- How to play tag -- How to ski -- How to mail a package -- How to power your house (on Earth) -- How to power your house (on Mars) -- How to make friends -- How to blow out birthday candles -- How to walk a dog -- How to send a file -- How to charge your phone -- How to take a selfie -- How to catch a drone -- How to tell if you're a Nineties Kid -- How to win an election -- How to decorate a tree -- How to build a highway -- How to get somewhere fast -- How to be on time -- How to dispose of this book -- How to change a lightbulb.